And just like that, I'm lost again. On a constant search to find myself just to lose myself. Just to realize I have no idea what I'm doing and what I want.
I looked myself in the mirror after months of keeping myself busy and realized...
I am not okay.
I've spent a lot of time keeping busy, staying productive, pouring myself into things. Pouring myself into people. Building, growing, loving, living. Undoubtedly all good things. Honestly, most of the time I don't even know that pain is building up inside of me. I don't even know that I'm constantly inching toward a breaking point.
Thank God, I do feel better than I have felt. But I'm not necessarily okay. There was a time where people would ask me how I felt and I couldn't even say "good". People would say "How's it going?" and all I could say is "It's going". Now I can honestly say I'm good. I can acknowledge that things are going well. I can smile and laugh. I can enjoy myself. I can keep it together more than I used to.
But that doesn't change the fact that I spend most of my time convincing others (and myself) that I'm okay. And it's draining. I compare it to a comment I overheard years ago from a Mexican woman about speaking English all day with Spanish as her first language. It's unnatural, and while she's gotten good at it, she still ends her days feeling like her brain is so tired from constantly translating. I was so intrigued by her comment at the time, but I could only imagine how that felt. Now I think I have an idea of what she meant. The life I'm living feels like a cover up, an imitation, a constant translation.
But one thing I've realized throughout this experience is that I am not alone. I've connected with so many people who are hurting, grieving, or feeling lost for one reason or another. Now I can see the pain in people's eyes without even a word. They can see the hurt in mine. People share things with me they would've never shared and connect with me in a way they never had. I thank God for those inter-spiritual connections that remind me that we're all lost and there's no immediate need be found.