Vanessa is a life-long friend of mine. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding. Her strength and courage to be vulnerable in her writing has encouraged me to do the same thing.
I remember that night in April 2017 like it was yesterday! I met up with my girls for a drink at this bar in South Loop. I sat next to Vanessa at the bar (strangely enough, she was just drinking water). She told me she had something super important to share, and I told her the same. Vanessa said, "I'm pregnant!" I was shocked, but I then shared, "I'm getting a divorce!" I can imagine she was just as shocked as I was. Many things crossed my mind at that time because my then husband and I were trying to start a family, but to no avail. Everyone else's life seemed to be prospering as mine was falling to pieces.
In the months that followed, I ironically felt the same four emotions Vanessa mentioned: Fear, Isolation, Insecurity, and Exposure.
At the time, in my mind, I had failed! My marriage had failed, despite my best efforts to fix everything that was wrong. I was scared that I wasn't good enough. Fearful that all of the time and energy I put into this relationship was a waste. Scared of being ALONE and starting a new life without financial stability and what I had come to know as emotional security. I was afraid that I would never find happiness. But most of all, I was scared of discovering who I was without this man.
NOBODY UNDERSTOOD! Yea, my sisters and friends have had bad break-ups, but not to this extent. Not many of my friends had built a life with a man like this. They hadn't bought a house and cars together, filed joint taxes, improved credit scores, secured employment, combined finances and families, or become emotionally dependent on another person like marriage forces you to do. No one understood the emotional toll of this kind of break-up. The constant mood swings, random crying spells, depressive episodes, anxiety, severe weight loss, and migraines. I have never felt this alone before.
I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong! In some sick twisted way, I felt totally responsible for the demise of my marriage. I felt like I wasn't good enough. I was insecure about why God would put me through this kind of pain. What kind of person had I become who would allow this to happen? Was I weak for leaving or had I been weak for staying?
In more ways than one I felt humiliated! Some of the issues that I had been dealing with privately were no longer a secret. Everyone knew! I felt like everyone was judging me. I was embarrassed to go to places where I used to go. I was embarrassed to be in the presence of people I once felt so comfortable around.
The moral of this story is SHIT HAPPENS! You can plan out your whole life and God will laugh! I think I went wrong when I stopped consulting God and following the direction He had for my life. In this short time, I have learned so much about myself! I am figuring out what I will and will not tolerate in my personal life. I am making stupid mistakes, but I am also learning valuable life lessons. What's most important is that I am getting a second chance to FALL IN LOVE WITH ME! ❤️